I've been putting off this post because I just don't know what to say. So I'll just ramble here and you'll hopefully cut me some slack if it doesn't make sense.
It's been a year since Mike died. All the stages of grief have come and gone and come and gone and continue to come around again. I heard "it gets easier" from folks that have been through this themselves. Never will I ever say that to someone else though. Anyway, I think that the only thing that gets easier is that the shock isn't as intense. The shock at losing Mike has lessened. I think everything else gets worse to be honest. The agony of watching Matt and his parents miss Mike is heart wrenching. The agony of wondering if I was nice enough to Mike or treated him well is a daily fight with guilt that grinds my life to a halt if I let it. The only two things I hold onto to get me through that is a picture of us at the Heroes Con with a Spiderman birthday cake I made him as a surprise- which Matt said he really liked and that I always invited him to go on vacation with us to the beach in NC. He never took me up on it and I'm so sad he didn't. But I did invite him every year in the hopes that he would take us up on it one time. He never did. Man the fun that he and Matt would've had!! My Mom and Dad would've loved him too just like they love Matt. (MY PARENTS LOVE MATT)
I'm sad that I didn't know when Mike was alive how many people loved him and loved his work. We had no idea what a rock star he was in the comic world. He always played that down so we knew he was popular but didn't know how much.
Is it ridiculous that I swear I see Mike looking at me through Charlie's eyes sometimes?? I swear when I talk to Charlie he'll give me a look with his head turned sideways and I swear it's Mike in there wondering how to talk to me through Charlie. I still ask Charlie from time to time if he had fun playing with his Daddy while we were at work- ridiculous too but that fantasy world helps me get through the day. Wouldn't it be great if he really was visiting Charlie each day and playing with him for a few hours each day?
Other sad things is realizing that even though we were family, I didn't know him as well as a lot of people did. Why didn't I take the time to talk to him and get to know him better? Why didn't we go visit him more? Could go crazy with asking why.......just have to realize that there's nothing I can do about that now. I don't ask his friends what Mike thought of me because I'm afraid of the answer - I'd really rather not know the truth because I'm sure it's not that good.
I'll always remember the time that I caught Mike on IM and we hooked up via camera IM and had an absolute blast with- you guessed it- our cats. Toonces was on the steps behind me and was perfectly framed in the camera so it looked like he was perched on my shoulder. Of course, Mike had to go get Charlie and made him do some funny dance while Charlie looked on like "You're kidding right? You realize that you are shaking a cat at a computer screen....you DO realize how ridiculous you look- right?" We laughed hysterically. I thought that Matt was taking a nap so we got a good 10 minutes of talk time before I went to wake Matt up because Mike NEVER was on IM much less on the camera IM. Matt was sleeping with his butt up in the air - he had heard me talking and had done it on purpose but I thought he was still asleep. Mike and I had a big laugh and then Matt of course reveals that he was putting us on. We all had a big laugh and then Mike had to go unfortunately. I can still see that scene in my head- him running to get Charlie and us laughing at Matt. I asked him later why he wasn't online more and he said it was because it got in the way of work. So many people IM'ed him that he didn't get any work done. He had so many friends.
I miss him so much. And I miss him for his Mom and Dad and especially for Matt. Mike was so much a part of Matt's life that it's hard to to be reminded daily of the hole that it's left in Matt's heart. Matt and his family are so brave. It's just amazing how they have continued to live on and conduct themselves with so much grace and courage. I'm so lucky to be a part of this family.
I keep reminding myself of that ......because it doesn't get any easier. I'll always have that Spiderman cake, the IM, Heroes Cons and Thanksgiving to remind me of Mike. And no one can take that away.
And I have Charlie.........;-) I think he's due a funny dance in front of a computer screen for old times sake.
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3 comments:
Hey Suzanne,
This post is a surprise -- I would think the one thing you could be 100% about through all of this is how special of a relationship you had with Mike. You know Mike wouldn't leave the house for ANY ONE, right?? : ) God knows all of us tried... constantly. The best I could hope for was to be at a Free Comic Book Day signing or convention to hang out. Always had plans to drive down to Durham to visit for a few days, but (as always), I didn't want to distract him from work. It completely blew Mike's mind the first time you made food especially for him at Thanksgiving. He talked about it forever, and getting to hang out with you and Matt was the ABSOLUTE highlight of his year, every year. It was the one time where he got to totally relax (because he could bring his cat along) and enjoy himself without work.
I got to have several iChats with Charlie... I think to him more than Mike! Tell him I said hey!
Casey,
Hi! Thanks so much for your post. Mike did insulate himself there in Durham- only leaving for the gym, to go to Chapel Hill Comics and to go get Charlie cat food. Thanksgiving was the most fun. I LOVED cooking for him. Funny but the last Thanksgiving before he died, he hated what I made for him. He ate it all at dinner time but when offered seconds he revealed that he didn't really like it. I don't know why this makes me laugh but it does. I remember the butternut squash casserole I made one year and I think his favorite was the year I marinated an big portbella mushroom cap and stuffed it with stuffing and baked it. He liked that one. He loved his mom's desserts too. She had to make double batches of her chocolate peanutbutter no bake cookies. Those two boys devoured them. We couldn't wait until Mike got here on Thanksgiving! We have no kids but we had to buy a 4 bedroom house so we would have two guest bedrooms so that Mike AND his parents could stay with us the whole weekend. (The fourth bedroom is for the comic collection!)
Thanksgiving will never be the same. We were supposed to have Thanksgiving dinner together for many many years.
Enough of that.
Anyway, thanks for your post. Really do apprecaite it.
I can't remember if Mike liked the Olympics or not as I sit here watching beach volleyball.
Mike loved you, honey. Never doubt it.
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