What gets easier?

I've been putting off this post because I just don't know what to say. So I'll just ramble here and you'll hopefully cut me some slack if it doesn't make sense.

It's been a year since Mike died. All the stages of grief have come and gone and come and gone and continue to come around again. I heard "it gets easier" from folks that have been through this themselves. Never will I ever say that to someone else though. Anyway, I think that the only thing that gets easier is that the shock isn't as intense. The shock at losing Mike has lessened. I think everything else gets worse to be honest. The agony of watching Matt and his parents miss Mike is heart wrenching. The agony of wondering if I was nice enough to Mike or treated him well is a daily fight with guilt that grinds my life to a halt if I let it. The only two things I hold onto to get me through that is a picture of us at the Heroes Con with a Spiderman birthday cake I made him as a surprise- which Matt said he really liked and that I always invited him to go on vacation with us to the beach in NC. He never took me up on it and I'm so sad he didn't. But I did invite him every year in the hopes that he would take us up on it one time. He never did. Man the fun that he and Matt would've had!! My Mom and Dad would've loved him too just like they love Matt. (MY PARENTS LOVE MATT)
I'm sad that I didn't know when Mike was alive how many people loved him and loved his work. We had no idea what a rock star he was in the comic world. He always played that down so we knew he was popular but didn't know how much.
Is it ridiculous that I swear I see Mike looking at me through Charlie's eyes sometimes?? I swear when I talk to Charlie he'll give me a look with his head turned sideways and I swear it's Mike in there wondering how to talk to me through Charlie. I still ask Charlie from time to time if he had fun playing with his Daddy while we were at work- ridiculous too but that fantasy world helps me get through the day. Wouldn't it be great if he really was visiting Charlie each day and playing with him for a few hours each day?
Other sad things is realizing that even though we were family, I didn't know him as well as a lot of people did. Why didn't I take the time to talk to him and get to know him better? Why didn't we go visit him more? Could go crazy with asking why.......just have to realize that there's nothing I can do about that now. I don't ask his friends what Mike thought of me because I'm afraid of the answer - I'd really rather not know the truth because I'm sure it's not that good.
I'll always remember the time that I caught Mike on IM and we hooked up via camera IM and had an absolute blast with- you guessed it- our cats. Toonces was on the steps behind me and was perfectly framed in the camera so it looked like he was perched on my shoulder. Of course, Mike had to go get Charlie and made him do some funny dance while Charlie looked on like "You're kidding right? You realize that you are shaking a cat at a computer screen....you DO realize how ridiculous you look- right?" We laughed hysterically. I thought that Matt was taking a nap so we got a good 10 minutes of talk time before I went to wake Matt up because Mike NEVER was on IM much less on the camera IM. Matt was sleeping with his butt up in the air - he had heard me talking and had done it on purpose but I thought he was still asleep. Mike and I had a big laugh and then Matt of course reveals that he was putting us on. We all had a big laugh and then Mike had to go unfortunately. I can still see that scene in my head- him running to get Charlie and us laughing at Matt. I asked him later why he wasn't online more and he said it was because it got in the way of work. So many people IM'ed him that he didn't get any work done. He had so many friends.

I miss him so much. And I miss him for his Mom and Dad and especially for Matt. Mike was so much a part of Matt's life that it's hard to to be reminded daily of the hole that it's left in Matt's heart. Matt and his family are so brave. It's just amazing how they have continued to live on and conduct themselves with so much grace and courage. I'm so lucky to be a part of this family.

I keep reminding myself of that ......because it doesn't get any easier. I'll always have that Spiderman cake, the IM, Heroes Cons and Thanksgiving to remind me of Mike. And no one can take that away.

And I have Charlie.........;-) I think he's due a funny dance in front of a computer screen for old times sake.

More Cake Pictures

Wanted to post some more of my early cake creations here. These were all for birthday parties. I was especially proud of the truck because it's a car cake pan that I jacked up and used doughnuts for the wheels. The Barney and Boba Fett are flat cake pans so they're pretty easy to do. Everyone loved their cakes. I miss making them and have vowed to make time again to start back up again.

I'm going to try to find the Spiderman cake I made for Mike for his birthday a couple of years ago. I took it to Heroes Con and had to sweet talk the ladies at security into letting me take it onto the floor of the convention. It's the only picture we took at the convention that year and it's my favorite. Will post that soon.

Charlie Barlow is well

Many folks asked at the convention about Mike's cat Charlie, affectionately known as Charlie Barlow. Or when he's meowing really loud at 2am- Cease-to Be-loud.  I've added a picture of Charlie- the Grey Tabbie on the left. 

On the right is the old man of the house- our cat Toonces. Included his picture because it was such a good one of him. 

Charlie is such an affectionate cat and is young and spunky.  We love him dearly as Mike did. Charlie has seemingly adjusted well to life in our house. He does pick on his older cousin but I hope that they are just playing. Charlie has so much personality, I swear if you look into his eyes long enough you could really understand what he's saying with his chirps and meows. He's a sweetie with the softest belly! He loves to jump in Matt's lap and 'make pies'. He just LOVES Matt a prefers to be in his lap most of the time. For some reason, he loves to spend time in the bathroom with me. He's jumped up on the sink and curled up in it in front of me in our downstairs bathroom- that cracks me up. He's jumped up on the back of the tank WHILE I've been sitting on the john and just sat there like "What? What? Can't a fella sit on the toilet tank when he feels like it?"  He's so funny how he loves to sleep late some mornings. He LOVES cat nip, especially the home grown from Vanessa from Chapel Hill Comics. 

So know that we are taking good care of Charlie and he's taking good care of us. 

Heroes Con Pictures

So random thoughts from this year's Heroes Con. Yes it was strange driving into Charlotte. We had our trusty buddy Christian with us so he kept us laughing as much as possible on the trip down. Somehow I forgot that driving from VA to Charlotte took us right through Durham where Mike lived........right past the exits we never used enough before 8/11/07 and used way  too much after 8/11/07. I lost it passing the Guess Road exit- tried to keep composed but just couldn't keep from crying. I missed Mike so much during that drive. I missed him for Matt most of all. Heroes Con was THE event of our lives every year. Yes, I'd gander to say that Heroes was the most looked forward to even of the year- even surpassing Christmas and my Beloved Thanksgiving. Once there, we had to rush to get all the stuff set up at the table beside Todd and Craig. I'd envisioned walking into the Charlotte Convention hall for the past 10 months. I held it together until we walked up to the booth to pick up our passes. We'd been told that we would have passes to get into the show. We were not on the list. The nice folks at the ticket booth scrambled to get us passes anyway but I had to walk away and leave Matt to get the passes for us. I fought back tears and anger at myself for not being strong enough to stand with Matt who no doubt was devastated each second being there without his brother. 

We went to the hall and found our place. We were toting a a ton of stuff but set up pretty easily with the aid of Trusted Buddy Christian. He lugged so much that he pulled an arm muscle I believe. 

We set up our booth for Mike and immediately felt like imposters. Todd, Craig and the loveable Nick Cardy all made us feel welcome. It was so good to see those guys. But we still felt like ugly ducklings in a room full of swans. 

To be honest, the rest of the weekend was a blur. I remember bits and pieces but mainly feeling exhausted all weekend. 

 NOTE: I TRIED TO UPLOAD A TON OF PHOTOS BUT DID NOT HAVE MUCH SUCCESS. HOPE TO LOAD MORE PICTURES LATER

Here's highlights of the weekend that I do remember: 

- Meeting the guys who frequent Matt's blog- Nice guys! 

-Thank GOD or Crom or your favorite diety for Todd Dezago and Craig Rousseau. Love those guys so much. They are our brothers now! 

- Sitting beside Nick Cardy and continuing to be absolutely amazed at how he draws

- Seeing Andrew, owner of the spectacular Chapel Hill Comics, our friend. Thanks to Andrew for getting the word about the Mike Wieringo Scholarship Fund. Andrew and his wife Vanessa have been so good to us. They are good people! 

- Meeting 'the significant others'  Had a blast with Trish and Sharon

- Realizing that Jeff Parker reminds me of a guy Matt works with- our good friend Judd 

- Dinner with Jeff, Rich & Colleen and Family, Scott and several other guys who I forget their names

- Breakfast with Cully! What a table! Breakfast was $23 a pop and I'd have to say well worth it

- Did I mention Cully? Cully is the nicest man on earth and was really worried about how Matt was doing. Cully took the time to sign at our table and was sweet enough to spend a lot of time talking to Matt and I. 

-Heroes Initiative folks were so nice. Susan was really great. The auction outside on the patio at Fuel was interesting to say the least. Darwin Cooke sent Matt into shock as he came up and expressed how much he was sorry that Mike had died and that he liked Mike's work. I believe he bid and won a piece of artwork from the What If? book too. Darwin Cooke is my new comic book crush. 

-Did I mention that the auction almost got shut down? There was about a half hour of inactivity where the 'park' cops tried to shut down the auction. Luckily, the first cop on the scene was a comic book fan and once we explained the situation, they cut us a break and let the auction continue. The auction raised $4500 for the Heroes Initiative! Hooray.

- Many thanks to Dustin, Sheldon and especially Trey from Heroes who were so kind to us throughout the show

- I did get some time to stalk my former comic book crush, Tony Harris. Thanks to Craig for helping me figure out what the attraction was- Tony has the whole pirate vibe going on. 

- We raised $2200 for the Mike Wieringo Scholarship Fund over the weekend from sales of the various pieces we had to sell. We were VERY PROUD of that. Thanks to ALL who donated and got their 'Ringo button. 

- Paul and his lovely wife who came to check on us constantly despite their own booth to man.

-My dearest friend Sandra who helped me man the booth for a couple of hours. So NICE of her to come help. 

-Dinner with Mark Waid. Uncle Boom could not have been nicer and talked to me about Richmond and VCU the whole way back from dinner as I drove through a nasty rainstorm back to the hotel. Uncle Boom ain't afraid of no hillbilly I'll tell you! 

-At dinner, the waiter informed us that they had run out of bread right as Robert Kirkman and the group he was eating dinner with was leaving. Coincidence? I think not. 

-Thanks to Robert and the many other pros who stuffed $20's into our donation jar for the MWSF. 

-My first trip to the actual Heroes store. WHAT A GREAT STORE!! It's really awesome. We were told that Mike had done the drawings that the Spiderman and Doc Oc sculptures in the store were based on. 

- There were many fans who came up to our booth and were crying over Mike's death. Thanks to the folks that bought sketch books and artwork- all proceeds went to the MWSF of course. 

- Several pros donated artwork and I unfortunately don't remember their names. I don't think I had the smarts to write them down either but hopefully we can remember from their artwork. Thank you if you did and my sincere apologies for not remembering your names. Plus their generosity brought me to tears so I know that I just walked away from one guy because I was getting ready to bawl. 

- Stalking Tony Harris at the Heroes store. He picked up a ton of books there, I believe a few Hell Boy GC's. 

- Meeting Tony Harris! Nice guy from Macon, Georgia of all places.    Nice enough to let me take a picture with him. I must catch up on Ex Machina.  Sadly, he can't be my crush now that I've met him. Meeting them blows it all. So Darwin Cooke will be my new crush because I'm sure I'll never meet him. Neil Gaiman was my old crush before Tony. Matt is my constant crush! 

-Speaking of my brave, wonderful husband- he amazes me every day. I'm so lucky to have him as my husband. My heart broke for him all weekend. 

- Realized that Frank Cho is a very very short man. 

- The last night at the Westin bar drinking Cosmos with Sharon until I realized they were $11. JEEZ- this ain't NY?  It was fun though. Parker joined us. JPG Matt's flashing some 'gang' sign.........yea, you know what gang..........

-Christian, Matt and I eating at least 1-2 meals a day at Fuel pizza. Mention Fuel Pizza if you want to bring a smile to Christian's face........or flash that 'gang' sign............ 

- Several folks asked about Casey Jones and I sure missed meeting him in person. 

So that's the end of my ramblings on Heroes Con. Thanks to all of you who came by the booth. We sure missed Mike more than words can express. There is a hole in our hearts that can't be filled. 

Two Posts in One Day- What in the World??

So I'm inspired by my husband every day. He is the best- and he's all mine girls! HANDS OFF!

Anyway, over on his blog, he has put up pictures of some of his drawings, both old and new. I thought I would put up some pictures of the cakes I've decorated. I decided I'd start with the very first big project for a cake - back from 2004. This was for a birthday party for one of our friends. For not knowing what I was doing, I thought this turned out really well.

Back in Action

My new blog friend Casey has inspired me to continue to blog. So, like Michael Jordan, I've returned from my first blog retirement.

Busted out of retirement...........and can't think of anything to say! That's a first for me. So here's what's been going through my mind in the last few days:

1) Work schedule continues to be an issue- what to do? Do I want to do this or do I want to make cupcakes?
2) We sold the house in Durham- torn between relief and another reminder that Mike's really gone
3) Vacation next week. Haven't had a vacation since last July 4th. We are looking forward to it.
4) Gas prices said to be rising to $5 a gallon this summer- what gives?
5) Election! Can we be done with the primaries and get on with it?
6) My sister went to a writer's conference last weekend and I haven't been able to get in touch with her to see how it went. Call me if you read this!
7) Heroes Con 2008- I just don't know what to think. We have to go but I'm not sure at times that I'll be able to walk in the Convention Center. Lots of friends coming so I'm excited about that but then feel guilty about being excited. I will cry a lot I'm sure and just hope that I can keep it to myself and not bring everyone down. Todd had a blog entry about how he and Craig and Mike would find one thing to run into the ground at each convention. Anytime we got together with Mike, he and Matt would do that too. My fave was the year that everything was "Runnin' with tha Big Dogs". So dumb yet so incredibly funny. I miss Mike's laugh. :-)

Well, that's a lot to ponder. Back to blogging though!

I'm going to call my sister right now! You should call your siblings too and see how they are doing. And remember to be nice- it takes less energy and it makes you feel better.

Peace, OUT! (No one says that anymore)

End of the Road

This is the end of my blogging for awhile. I've decided that I don't have anything that interesting to say that's not depressing. I think I'm going to go back to the old fashioned diary where I can write away and burn it if I want.

All the work issues and the feeling surrounding my brother in law's death just don't seem to fit on a public blog.

I thank Renee (my only reader!) for all your comments which have made me feel better. Thank you so very much!

One day I'll appear on here again with fun stories of my dealings with Hollywood or something else fun. I may start posting cakes I've made and decorated - cake decorating always made me happy.

Keep your chin up and be kind to your fellow man and especially to animals.

PEACE- OUT!!